


You'd better live like gods

by maanorchidee



Series: Anyway series [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Canon - TV, Canon midgames, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Past Character Death, aka Blainofsky and Kadam, aka Finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 82
Words: 16,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7139078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/maanorchidee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine talks a lot. Blaine tells his best friend Logan everything that's happening to him. Unfortunately, Logan never says anything back, since he's dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to this fic. I've had this idea for a while, and I decided to write everything down. This is the story of glee, told by Blaine. He tells his friend Logan everything, despite the fact that Logan died.
> 
> Because of this, this story follows pre-2x06 and canon season two till six. Yes, everything is still the same, even the things I wished had never happened. Hence the Blainofsky and Kadam midgames.
> 
> Since 98% of this fic will be one-sided dialogue, chapters aren't that long and the lengths may change. Sometimes Blaine is in a talkative mood, sometimes he isn't. 
> 
> Beware... Blaine isn't always very happy, especially in the beginning. Warning for talk about depression and suicide.
> 
> The title is from the Andy Mientus version of the Kerrigan-Lowdermilk song Anyway.

_I keep thinking about how the timing seems false._  
_How some days seem faster than my fucking pulse._  
_And others go so slow._  
_Like this morning_  
_Feels like a month ago._  
_Oh. Oh._  
_Oh. Oh._

\- Anyway, Kerrigan-Lowdermilk

* * *

" _Blaine… You gotta come to the hospital. I can't- please Blaine, just get over here!"_

**2009**

"So, you really did it." Blaine kneels next to the tombstone. "It's been three days since the funeral and I still don't know what to think, Logan. I'm not going to ask why you did it- I know why you did it. I just wish I could've helped you. But it sucks that your parents couldn't afford to send you to Dalton.

I'm not gonna lie, Logan: it is still hard. I still see bad things when I close my eyes. The medication helps, but sometimes I think I'm okay and I stop using it- only to fall back to hell. Wes and David help me remain calm and sane.

Yes, Wes and David are still talking to me. They went to your funeral with me, you know? They didn't want me to go alone. I know you never said you were jealous of Wes, but I still feel like I left you behind. After the dance, I left so quickly and our contact wavered, but trust me when I tell you you're still my first best friend. And that I love you."

Blaine can feel the tears forming.

"Platonically. I know you liked me as more than friends, and I know that got you killed. I mean, not directly, although it was a miracle we both made it out alive. But suicide, Lolo?" He sighs. Lolo. Logan Bandwill, the best friend, the other gay guy, his date to Sadie Hawkins.

"I know this is going to sound awful, but why didn't you die that day? I mean, if you were going to die after all. Gosh- I didn't mean that I want you to die, it's just… It feels like I'm reliving the aftermath of the dance all over again.

The Dalton therapist says that's not unusual, but that doesn't make it okay. I don't want to do this. It's been seven days since you killed yourself, and I'm not okay anymore. I guess I'm going back to the dark places. But I will get to the light, I have to."

He gets up and looks around. Still alone. He looks down on the grave and shakes his head. "I miss you, I will always miss you. I'll be back next week. Take care, Lolo."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait for him to meet Kurt.

**2009, still**

"I wonder if there are other kids like us out there. I don't mean the bullied gay kid, but the kid with the weird friendship. I know you're dead, Lolo, I know you aren't coming back. How can I not know? I'm talking to your grave! I've been doing that for weeks now. But we're still friends, right?

Wes and David are taking me out for dinner today since it's David's birthday. I don't mind. It's not like I want to stay home. I'm actually thinking about permanently moving to Dalton. I've been staying at Wes and David's room, but also at Trent's room since he has a single, and I like it better than home.

Mom is fussing about me. I think she's afraid I will kill myself too. But depression? I can't say it's good, but I've been worse. It's probably because they gave the lead Warbler title. I know, I know, it sounds weird to be a 'leader', but the council agreed. I must say, two-third of the council are my best friends."

He laughs.

"If you were alive, you could've joined them. Then all my best friends would be council members. I stopped going to the Dalton therapist, though. Not because I don't need it anymore, but because I don't like him. He told me to stop talking to you. I know he's trying to help, but I don't want to stop. I look forward to it every week.

He tells me that I'm not leaving my past behind, but how could I? My past is godawful, but it made me who I am today. A fifteen years old traumatised gay kid in Ohio? Yes, but it also made me stronger. Thad boxes and he showed me a few tricks. I like it.

Not the violence though, but if some guys ever try to sneak on me again, I'll be ready for them."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, a part of me just want to post all the pre-canon chapters in one days, because I want Blaine to be happy/happier. Yay or nay?
> 
> The writing of this fic is going smoothly, since the story is already mapped out for me. I just started season 6.

**2009, still**

"Merry Christmas, Lolo," Blaine is wearing a Santa hat, "I know that didn't sound optimistic, because frankly, I'm not doing well. I'm really not doing well. Everyone keeps telling me that Christmas time is fun and cheerful and before the dance, I thought that too, but now I know better.

Christmas time is the time to feel utterly alone in your own home, more than usual. Thanks to the extended homophobic family coming over to _'spread the Christmas cheer'_. Better than Thanksgiving. I heard my dad telling my mom that my uncle was thankful for gay people still not being able to marry in Ohio. Cheers."

He opens his bag. "I know I never leave anything behind when I visit, but I got you something. Daisies. They will probably wither away since it's winter, but I wanted to give you a Christmas present. I know these are your favourite kind of flowers and I know you dreamed of getting them from another boy. Well, here they are. Probably not the setting you had in mind… with you dead and me being quite depressed, but it's Christmas.

I hope they're better than the presents my grandparents gave me. A handbook that's called 'How To Properly Woo A Lady'. Thanks grans, thanks a lot. I can't wait till school starts again, so that I can go back to our room. Just hope Trent won't get back first, because he always makes such a mess of things.

I want to call Wes, but he's with family. Same goes for David and Trent. I know one of the Warblers doesn't celebrate Christmas, since he's Muslim, but I don't know him well enough. So is it okay if I stay here? I actually managed to steal some leftovers. Not the ideal Christmas dinner, but it's way better having dinner next to a tombstone of your deceased best friend than having dinner with your homophobic family."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I just finished this fic. It has 82 chapters (82!), unless I decide to delete the last one. I've come to the conclusion that I have no posting schedule. I'm just going to post these chapters at random? I mean, there are 82 of them, and they're all relatively short. I think the longest is around 700 words, so...
> 
> We'll see.

**2010**

"Happy sixteenth birthday, Logan."

Blaine's holding a bouquet of daisies. "I still prefer orchids, you know that. Well, maybe on my birthday a boy will give _me_ flowers, but that doesn't matter now. It's your special day. I would've sung Happy Birthday, but I can't sing in whisper. Oh yeah! I'm whispering because there are other people visiting graves and I don't want to disturb them. Me happily singing Happy Birthday wouldn't be appropriate.

I made an acquaintance at the cemetery, though. She comes here often. Lillie, her name is. Her husband died five years ago and she visits once a month. She used to visit daily, but she told me that it gets very tiring. I told her I visit you on a weekly basis, and she said that she was sorry. She heard about the attack. Can you believe it's almost been one and a half year since the dance?

But she has a point. This is tiring. I'm not tired of speaking to you, but every time I get here it feels like a slap in the face. I get the reminder that you killed yourself. That life was too hard on you and that you never got back up.

Your mom and sister have been here. I can see the flowers and painting they left. I haven't seen your family since the funeral. It's weird to think that we hung out at your place all the time. I knew your mother so well, and now I'm afraid she won't even recognize me. I've grown a lot over the past one and a half year."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Lillie is named after Professor's Kukui's assistent from Pokemon Sun and Moon. Completely random! I was writing this on the day more news about SuMo got released and I needed a name... Lillie it is!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like glee, I will end up ignoring Blaine's age.

**2010, still**

"I'm sixteen. I can legally drive to the cemetery now! I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday, but the Warblers threw me a surprise party in the senior commons. John even managed to sneak alcohol inside. Not for me though. Meds prevent me from drinking, but not that I needed it. For the first time in a very long time, I felt truly happy.

Cooper called too. He's been cautious around me. According to him, I sound different. I guess he's right. I have been this numbed down version of myself for almost two years now. It annoys me that everyone keeps telling me that I've changed. So what?"

He unwraps his last gift. "Dad gave me this. This is going to be fun."

But when he sees what's inside the package, he is taken aback. He slowly opens the box. "No way, Logan…"

It's a pocket watch.

"Lolo!" he shows the pocket watch to, well, Logan's tombstone, "My dad got me a pocket watch. He got me a- he- oh my god…" And the next thing he knows, he's sobbing uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pocket watch is the pocket watch you see in Never Been Kissed.


	6. Chapter 6

**2010, still**

"I've been carrying it with me all the time. Wes says it looks 'sophisticated'. David says I'm a grown-up now, which is bullshit. I still can't believe my dad gave me a pocket watch. You know how much that means to the family. I explained it to Trent the other day. He thinks it's sweet that my family has an object that basically represents family and its bond. Cooper still has his too, which is remarkable since he has the tendency to lose everything. I knew my dad wasn't as bad as yours, but I never expected him to give me this. I never expected him to care about me again.

Lillie drove me back to school last week. Apparently I'd been crying for an hour or so when she came to visit her late husband. She found out that I was crying because I was happy. Then she managed to give me a birthday present: flowers.

I didn't get orchids from a boy I like, but lilies from a woman named Lillie. It's good enough. No, that sounds ungrateful. Let me rephrase that: I am very, very happy that she gave me lilies. I can't really explain it, but the party, the pocket watch, and the flowers… something has changed within me. It's weird to think that people genuinely care, I'm not used to it anymore.

Is it bad that I want to be loved that badly?"

No answer.

"But really, Lolo, I'm not doing well, but I'm doing better. That's a start! I just wish I could share this moment of contentment with you, but you're dead. Now, if you don't mind, I have to run. Sorry for the short visit, but we're rehearsing a new song today and I am lead!"


	7. Chapter 7

**2010, still**

"Remember how I told you I was getting better? Guess I was wrong."


	8. Chapter 8

**2010, still**

"I'm sorry I've been absent. I've been gone for a month, but I needed time to help myself. Well, actually, I needed time to let Wes and David help me. They're amazing guys. Anyway, it's summer. I'm not going anywhere. Mom and dad are going to the Philippines to visit mom's family, but Cooper and I are staying at home. Yes, Cooper came home.

He's okay. He's never been a great brother, but we used to spend a lot of time together. He was really nice. Now he's kind of tiptoeing around me. Ever since he moved to LA, his ego got a huge boost. He keeps telling me that I need that too.

That aside, he is one of the only relatives that's okay with me being gay and after the dance, he was devastated. Maybe I need to talk to him about this, but I don't know. When it comes to serious things, he tends to brush me off. He is so desperate to be the fun brother that he forgets that he's an actual brother.

But then again, is it bad that I want his attention so badly? Wes says that I need validation. I guess he's right. He's always right."


	9. Chapter 9

**2010, still**

"And school is back. A part of me missed it, because I love Dalton. I saw some of the Warblers during summer break, but they're all back wearing the fancy blazer. I love the blazer, it makes me feel put together. Can you even feel that way?

Anyway, we started on this number called Teenage Dream. We're thinking about doing it for Sectionals, which is a couple of months away, but we're the Warblers. We rehearse songs months in advance. Wes is very strict about it and everyone lets him, since it's his last year. I don't want to think about that."

Blaine shrugs it off. He'll deal with that later.

"Honestly, I don't have much to say. After my one month long hiatus, I've been visiting you on a weekly basis again. And honestly, not much is happening. I'm good. For now." He sighs deeply.

"But I can actually feel a storm coming up. This is going to be fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh sweetie, this is not going to be fun.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Uhm, random Little Numbers reference?"
> 
> That was my original author's note for this small chapter. I've been staring at my screen for a while now and I don't know what to say. We've all heard about the attack in Orlando and I'm still speechless.
> 
> Since the next couple of chapters are going to be very angsty (and the rest of this story will be very angsty), I just want you to know the story behind this fic. It's all canon, so no hard spoilers.
> 
> No matter how shit life can get, it will get better. I know it sounds tacky, but it's true. To quote Darren Criss: "Baby, you're not alone."

**2010, still**

"Logan, this isn't a storm anymore. This is a hurricane. Wes and David are trying to build a basement for me, but this isn't working. I'm sorry, this isn't working."


	11. Chapter 11

**2010, still**

"Lillie asked me if I'm okay. I didn't answer."


	12. Chapter 12

**2010, still**

"I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry. I feel like I'm failing you, Logan. You died and I lived.

I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do. You would've done the same if the roles were reversed. I'm trying to keep up. Back on meds too. School's going well. Warblers are going well. Everyone is doing well, except for me.

I'm sorry that all these visits are so depressing. I promise I'll be back with happier news."


	13. Chapter 13

**2010, still**

"Is it bad that the song is the only thing keeping me alive?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Teenage Dream, in case you don't know.


	14. Chapter 14

**2010, still**

"I'm sorry."


	15. Chapter 15

**2010, still**

"You don't have to be worried about me, Logan. I'll be with you soon. Thanks for waiting."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY

**2010, still**

Blaine's running. All the other visitors are looking at him. But Blaine can't help himself. For the first time, he's excited to see Logan.

"Lolo!" Again, others are looking at him.

When he reaches Logan's tombstone, he falls on his knees. "Lolo, you would not believe what just happened. I met a boy." Someone shushes him.

"Okay, maybe it's not a happy occasion, because he is getting bullied, but it feels good to help him. It feels good that I can do something good for someone else. His name is Kurt, he goes to McKinley High in Lima, he's gay and people bully him.

And he came to spy on the Warblers. Wes, David and I figured it out and we talked about Dalton and about its policies. A jock at school was harassing him about him. I gave him my number and we talked. 'Courage' I told him. I didn't have the courage to speak up, so I hope he has.

Then, something unexpected happened. That jock kissed him. Kurt and I tried to talk to him too, but he isn't ready yet. I know that the fact that someone's pain gives me strength is awful, but it feels good that someone relies on me, instead of me relying on someone else. Kurt doesn't know me yet. I don't know if I want that.

I'm not that sad anymore. Medication is finally kicking in.

Also, Harry Potter movies.

With the help of my friends, I'm trying to focus more on the things I like. Luckily for me, Kurt likes a lot of things I like too. He asked me to hang out. I'm looking forward to it.

It's strange how much everything can change in one day. I was gonna die, but instead I meet a friend."


	17. Chapter 17

**2010, still**

"Kurt's really great. We've been hanging out a lot. I love Wes, David and the others to death, but it feels good to be with someone like me. Someone gay. The other guys know that I'm not the stereotypical gay guy –not that there's anything wrong with that-, I can talk with them about the game and all that, but I zone out the moment they start talking about boobs.

Now you might wonder: how about Trent?" He sighs.

"Still not coming out, but I'm not going to pressure him. And maybe I'm wrong after all. Maybe I just want to have someone who's like me. Well, I have Kurt. I'm pretty sure Kurt feels the same. When he talks about his friends, there is this fondness in his voice, but also some bitterness. I think he resents them for not noticing that he's hurting.

And Kurt… Kurt is everything. He's like me. He's gay, he loves fashion and musical theatre, and he's hurting for the same reason I'm hurting. He doesn't really know the details, but I think we both know we found someone who understands. I need him and he needs me."


	18. Chapter 18

**2011**

Blaine is carrying a bouquet of daisies.

"Happy birthday, Lolo. I miss you."


	19. Chapter 19

**2011, still**

"Remember Jeremiah?"

Blaine laughs bitterly.

"I gushed about him for over two hours a couple of weeks ago. So I followed Kurt's advice- oh wait, I haven't told you that part yet. It was Valentine's Day and I decided to sing to him, since Kurt thought it was a good idea. In public. What have I done? I embarrassed the hell out of me. Jeremiah and I aren't speaking.

Is it foolish? I fell for him so quickly. I talked about it with Wes. He was at home, since he recently broke up with Amanda. No need for a romantic date on Valentine's for him.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed yet: 'home' means Dalton.

He told me that I'm right. I feel too much, too quickly. He flat out tells me the truth, opposed to David or Kurt, but from all people, Wes is the one who understands that I need that. According to him, I'm craving for love. Romantic love. Every sign of affection… I immediately think too much of it.

Which leads me to Kurt. He basically admitted that he likes me. We went to the Lima Bean again and he told me he thought that our friendship was a bit, uh, dubious. Not fully platonic. I feel bad for leading him on.

So, are we together?

Shockingly, no.

Normally, I would've jumped on it, but after my talk with Wes, I needed time. Also, I don't know if I like Kurt. I mean, I do like Kurt, but not like- _like._ Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have him, but- not me. Just… not me.

We're great friends. Dating him would mean he will find out about what happened. I don't- I can't do that. The last couple of weeks have been great, exceptional even. I feel like myself again. I don't want to ruin things. I don't want to mess up one of the best friendships I've ever had, and I don't want to mess up this better version of life that I'm living."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We could've had it all...

**2011, still**

"I kissed a girl.

And I liked it."

At moments like this, his growing love for Katy Perry is appropriate.

"Okay, that's not correct, since after all of this, I'm pretty sure I'm gay. You need the full story to understand. I had a lot of drinks, which is possible since I'm kinda off meds?

Don't tell Wes!

Anyway, I got drunk and I kissed one of Kurt's friends. Her name is Rachel. I even went out on a date with her, to Kurt's distress. And, gosh, Kurt was mad. I'm still mad at him for the biphobic things he said, but we'll talk about that. I'm not bi, but really?

Well, I went out with her and it was nice, but then I kissed her again. Sober. Kissing is always nice, but I didn't feel a spark or anything. I didn't feel anything. I really don't like girls.

I'm telling you this because I do think it is important. It is important to me. I'm not bi, but it was a possibility you cannot just ignore. And also, for a split second I saw my life with a girlfriend. Not necessarily Rachel, but a girl.

I mean, I had my first kiss this week, Logan, and it was with a girl. I never expected that.

Can you imagine that?

If I would've dated a girl, would you be lying here? Probably not.

It sends shivers down my spine. You have no idea how much I miss you, but me being with a girl would be acting. But would I sacrifice my identity to keep you alive?

… I need to stop talking. This conversation isn't good for me. I just miss you a lot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We could've had it all...". I'm not referring to Blainchel. I'm referring to bi!Blaine, but that's just my opinion.


	21. Chapter 21

**2011, still**

"I wish Burt Hummel was my dad.

He has no intention of changing Kurt. I mean, remember the car my dad and I repaired after I came out? He insisted on it! We always joked about him trying to make me straight, but it's not funny, Logan.

I might've crossed a line by telling Mr. Hummel to give Kurt the sex talk, especially after I woke up in his son's bed with a hangover, but I just… I don't want things to be awkward between the two of them. I couldn't save my relationship with my dad. Did I ever tell you how my family reacted to the, uhm, sex thing?

Cooper threw a box of condoms on my bed. I was fourteen!

Mom tried, but she failed miserably. At that time, she was still trying to process the fact that 'her baby boy is gay and oh why, why would he do that to himself?' Yeah.

Dad… didn't even try.

I'm not trying to be some kind of gay guru, but Kurt needs the support. Right?"


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my small absence. I got the news that I have to do my senior year of high school all over again, and I didn't expect that.
> 
> Ah well, at least Blaine is happy for now, because we're finally here..

**2011, still**

When Blaine arrives at the tombstone, he has the biggest grin on his face. He also seems kind of dopey.

"OH. MY. GOD.

Logan.. I- I… I have a boyfriend." He can't stop smiling. "Lolo, can you- I can't- I just.. wow. I kissed him two days ago, and I'm still speechless. And by him, I mean Kurt. I know I said that I didn't want to jump on things too fast, but… gosh…"

He is on a pink cloud. He can't even speak properly.

"He sang and I simply fell for him. He moved me. I have never been moved like that before. The way he sang that song and the expression on his face… beautiful. He's beautiful. He's…

That night, I went to bed smiling like an idiot. Trent noticed and he looked at me in a suspicious way, but I don't care. I just… Lolo, I have a boyfriend. A real, actual boyfriend. A boy. I'm dating a boy. A boy… my boyfriend. If you would've told me years ago that I- Oh god. Logan."

He's about to cry.

"Logan, I'm dating another boy. It's actually happening. So many people told me that it wasn't possible, that it was wrong, or sinful, or just awful. So many people told me I was gonna die in hell and that I deserved it, but I'm dating a boy and I am happy. So fuck all of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when Darren Criss was in A Great Big World's video for Already Home? And remember that one part where he went to bed, smiling like an idiot? Yeah, keep that visual in mind.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Blaine can't have nice things.
> 
> Why, glee, why?

**2011, still**

Blaine's wearing a suit. His expression is sour. Lillie said he looked handsome, but she left when she saw the look on his face. He sits down, leans against the tombstone, and closes his eyes.

He takes a deep breath.

And starts to cry.

"This- This… Kurt asked me to prom. Since this all happened within a week, I couldn't tell you. But he asked me to prom, and against my better judgement, I said yes. Since you're dead, you can't see me, but I'm wearing a suit. Prom just ended and it was one hell of a ride.

But let's go back to the beginning of the week. You know that Kurt transferred back to McKinley." He hangs his head. He truly is happy for Kurt, but it hurts. "And just like every other school, McKinley has junior prom. He asked me. I was reluctant.

He noticed, so I- Lolo, I told him. Gosh, I told him. Not the details, but I told him about the dance and about the beating and about the transfer and I-" He has to stop himself to calm down. "Why can't I let this go? Why does it always come back to bite me in the ass? Why can't I be happy for longer than a couple of weeks? Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking-"

He looks around, but since it's almost midnight, he's alone.

"In the beginning, it was really bad. We weren't enjoying ourselves at all. It was pretty hard to watch all these straight teenagers dance and kiss. Fuck, we couldn't even hold hands. We were about to leave. Screw prom. Sorry for all the hard work Kurt put in the making of his outfit, but the two of us felt like suffocating. We decided to cheer the Prom King and Queen, and then we'd ditch prom and go watch a movie instead. Kurt's parents weren't home anyway.

But then- _But then-_ fucking hell.

I'm sorry for swearing this much. I told myself not to swear on a gravesite, but fuck. They pulled a prank on Kurt. They crowned him Prom _Queen_. Since he's gay, he has to be a Queen, not a King. We ran and cried and- it is cruel. It is so cruel. It wasn't physical violence, like what happened to us, but it hurts, Logan, it hurts to know that people will do anything to make you feel less and inadequate, just because you love differently.

Eventually, he got back up. Instead of running, he decided to take the title with pride. I have never been more proud of him. And then- I still can't believe I did this –I asked him to dance with me. In front of everyone. In front of a bunch of homophobes that tried to get us. I was scared shitless, but I did it.

Despite the fact that the night ended on a somewhat happy note, we left after that dance. We just… couldn't.

We danced, remember? It wasn't a slow dance, but we danced. And they hurt us two hours after that. Which lead to you killing yourself. And me sitting here, talking to your tombstone.

I did what I wanted to do with you. I showed the school that I don't give a shit about them. Kurt and I showed them. Then why do I feel so bad? We went to Kurt's place… and he asked me about the dance. I told him I couldn't.

I fled afterwards. I lied and told him I was too tired. Instead of driving to Dalton, I came here. He's been texting me. He's worried. I know I should reply, but I need to clean my head. It's best to do that here." He laughs bitterly. "After all of this, I'm still a coward.

Tomorrow, I will tell him that I was asleep. But who am I kidding. I'm not going to sleep. I know that the moment I close my eyes, I will see what happened after Sadie Hawkins. I'm screwed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to have a laugh to, well, wash the angst away, then I highly recommend the SIMGM video Prom Rumours.


	24. Chapter 24

**2011, still**

"Summer is here. Oh man, a lot has changed this past year. I told Kurt I loved him. Short visit this time, but I gotta run. The guys are waiting for me outside


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter of all the 82 chapters. This, uhm, event/headcanon was kind of what started this entire story, and since I'm here for blangst, it's angsty.

**2011, still**

Blaine is sobbing.

"I- I fucked up, Lolo. I fucked up. Jesus, someone please kill me. Please…"

He tries to catch his breath.

"Kurt parents will never- I freaked out, Logan. I completely freaked out. You know how I still have those days where a depression spell just hits me? I had one yesterday. I was at Kurt's and I think Kurt knew before I actually broke down. I had been texting Wes. I told him that I wasn't doing well.

I told Kurt that I was tired, so I put on some music and slept like a baby.

When I woke up, Mr. Hummel was standing in the doorway. Apparently, they had been calling me. Dinner's ready. And I just- I broke down. I haven't cried like that in so long. And Mr. Hummel… he was there for me. He let me cry. He didn't tell me to man up and grow a pair. He tried to calm me down and rubbed my back as I cried.

Of course, Kurt heard me cry. He held me, like I've never been held. Yet, I couldn't stop. It felt like everything just came back. I haven't been sleeping well and I guess this was the breaking point of all the anger and pain that has been building up.

I don't really remember what happened after that. At one point, the three of us went downstairs to eat. I must've scared the Hummel-Hudson family with my behaviour. They're so used to me being so happy, that this must've thrown them off guard. Kurt knows, but he had never seen me like this.

I didn't speak. I barely ate. Then the bell rang.

To my big surprise, Mr. Hummel called for me, said it was for me. Before I reached the front door, Wes jumped on me. He held me and so did David. It probably made the Hummel-Hudsons question the heterosexuality of my friends, but I don't care. Apparently, Wes got worried when I didn't reply to his texts. David happened to be with him, instead of being at home in Cincinnati.

They know how to make me feel better. They stayed. As an apology, Wes gave them the homemade bapaos that he just happened to have in his car. His mom's already getting ready for Friday.

They wouldn't let go of me. But I did feel better. We talked about Friday, and to our surprise, Kurt didn't know there was a Warbler's party.

\- That's weird. I do have you on the list.

Wes was very confused. David decided to talk to Kurt about the party.

\- But I don't know anything? What kind of party?

\- It's every year. The Warblers of colour throw a party to show off their cultures and food. Hence Wes's bapaos.

\- Huh?

\- Yes! I can't wait for Blaine's dishes, it's amazing. Or Aaron's. He's hosting this year!

I must've dozed off, because I woke up in Wes's bed.

Mr. Hummel told them that I could stay for the night, but Wes and David knew that wasn't an option. They know about the nightmares and the PTSD. The Hummel-Hudsons don't, so they drove me to Wes's place, since he lives in Bellefontaine which only an hour away instead of two. Since they didn't drive me home, I couldn't take anything to help me sleep.

According to them, I've been awake most of the time. You know… sleep…. wake and yell… sleep… wake and yell…"

Blaine wipes the tears away. There's more. "Logan, something happened. Wes and David were reluctant to tell me, but apparently I asked for you. I don't remember doing it, but according to them, I asked for Kurt. I was worried. I don't remember the dream, but it must've been bad. They reassured me that Kurt was okay. Wes even rang the bell again to ask Carole.

But then I started asking for you. I thought you were alive. It's a good thing I don't remember it. But that happened." He sighs. "When I woke up this morning, Wes asked me about meds. I, uh, might've broken his heart in a way.

Kurt called me. I told him I am okay and that I will pick up my car tomorrow. Not today, cause I need some time off…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch? The "dialogue" in the fic is like Hedwig talking her lines and Tommy's.
> 
> More musical talk: the song Blaine's listening to is (in my mind) Mirror-Blue Night from Spring Awakening, which is a little bit, uh, inappropriate. But if you actually ignore what it's about, it is very beautiful and touching.


	26. Chapter 26

**2011, still**

"I… uh… might've a rash decision. School has started, and I'm not wearing a blazer. I transferred to McKinley."

He looks ashamed.

"I know you wouldn't approve. I had a safe space, why would I leave? The boys gave me their blessings, but I know that they're confused, especially Trent. Well, at least he has a single again. To be honest, I don't know if I made the right decision or not. I just want to be with Kurt.

He's leaving in a year, just like Wes did. I miss Wes.

David actually thinks it has to do something with that. When I told him I was transferring, he let out a breath and shook his head.

\- What is the matter?

He answered.

\- Are you sure this is what you want?

\- What do you mean?

\- You're leaving Dalton for McKinley. Do I have to remind you what happened at Kurt's junior prom?

I got a bit agitated.

\- Why can't you just give me your blessing, like the others did?

\- Because you're doing this for a boy. I know you have this fear of people leaving you behind, especially after Wes left for New York, but really? Blaine, what happens if you break up? What then?

He left without saying anything else. Later, he apologized and gave me his blessing, but I know he's not happy about this. I guess he expected me to be on the Warbler council with him. Instead, I'll be competing against him. Oh boy."


	27. Chapter 27

**2011, still**

"Sebastian Smythe. What an asshole."

Blaine shakes his head disapprovingly.

"He's been hitting on me for days now. I would've been flattered if he were a decent human being. He's been texting me inappropriate stuff. It's a blessing he hasn't send me any, uhm, pictures yet. Wes thinks it's very 'mature' of me that I don't give in to Sebastian's 'wishes'.

His words, not mine.

He's worried about me, since he knows I easily fall for people that show me love. Wes didn't appreciate my transfer to McKinley either, but he's in New York, so he has nothing to say about me right now.

I think I can give Sebastian a chance, as a friend. He is a Warbler after all. He actually invited me _and Kurt_ to Scandals. That didn't end well. I might've pushed Kurt a little bit too much. There's tension between us right now, and it's my fault. But I will talk about this after the West Side Story opening night, which is in a couple of days."


	28. Chapter 28

**2011, still**

"Lolo, gay sex really is amazing."


	29. Chapter 29

**2011, still**

"Merry Christmas, Lolo. I'm on a giving spree!" He puts down the daisies.

"I also gave Kurt a ring I made myself. I send Cooper a camera so that he could make more headshots of himself. Mom and dad got mugs. Pretty lame, but I didn't know what to give them. Wes is back in Ohio too and all the Warblers are going to the movies. Including Sebastian.

I keep telling Kurt he's harmless. I told him that I wasn't interested, so we've been hanging out as friends. Yes, I must admit that he is a little flirty around me, but as long as he doesn't push me, I have nothing against him.

Oh, and I was on TV! The glee club did this Star Wars inspired Christmas special, directed by Artie. The New Directions are doing well. We won Sectionals, performed on TV, and helped the homeless. I do miss Dalton and the Warblers, but I still see them.

Wes, David, and their families actually invited me over for Christmas dinner. Sad, I was actually kind of looking forward to having dinner here again. But… _Wes_. Can't let that opportunity slide."


	30. Chapter 30

**2012**

"Happy, happy birthday, Logan! Here are your daisies!"


	31. Chapter 31

**2012, still**

"I am so done with Sebastian. I must admit that I rock the eye patch, but really. That asshole tried to blind Kurt. He hit me instead.

Lillie asked me what happened. I gave her a brief summary of the happenings in the parking lot. It was supposed to be a little, fun competition.

Surgery is tomorrow. I hope that I feel better tomorrow, since yesterday was shit. Kurt, Finn and Rachel came to visit me. All was fine until I started screaming.

Kurt and Finn know, but Rachel was as white as a sheet. Goddamnit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I can't publish a fic without promoting other things/fics: Meet The Anderson's by Emmy-Mae92! Read it!


	32. Chapter 32

**2012, still**

"It's my birthday. Kurt gave me flowers. Orchids." And Blaine can't stop smiling.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On My Way, aka talks about suicide!

**2012, still**

"Bad things happened, Lolo. Bad things that hit close to home," Blaine hangs his head, "Earlier this week, Kurt and I entered the choir room. Mr. Schue was late. But then he came in and he looked distressed. Ms. Pillsbury, coach Beiste, and even coach Sylvester followed him. They all looked grim.

Remember the jock that bullied Kurt? I told you about him. About the bullying, the death threat, but also about how he got better. He turned over a new leaf and he transferred to live his life hate-free. Apparently, some scumbags outed him and Karofsky tried to kill himself.

His father found him in time. He's in the hospital right now, but he will make it.

Today, Mr. Schue told us to come to the auditorium. We talked. We talked about suicide and depression and I just… I can't believe I didn't cry. But I was doing my very best not to cry. I can't believe I succeeded. No one knows about me and you. So I couldn't.

Mr. Schue told him about how suicide can drive you crazy. He told his own story, and he also said something that struck me. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that someone feels so helpless.

Mr. Schue almost killed himself because of a bad grade. Karofsky almost killed himself because people outed him. You killed yourself because people beat us.

Karofsky is doing well. Is it bad that I feel jealous on your behalf? Why does he get a second chance and you don't. Look at me. I'm still feeling pretty shit every now and then, but I think that I can be happy one day. I'm already happy most of the time.

Anyway… after that, Mr. Schue told us to talk about the future and about what we wanted to see in the future. I said gay marriage in all fifty states. Equality. I deserve it. Kurt deserves it. Even freaking Karofsky deserves it. And so do you.

After glee club, we went to Kurt's place and we just cried. The two of us didn't want to speak about our struggles with depression and suicide in front of everyone, but when we were together, we broke down. I cried because of you.

… I just miss you a lot, Lolo."


	34. Chapter 34

**2012, still**

Blaine's out of breath. He's been running. "Hi, yes, uhm… I just ran all the way from home to you, that's why I'm out of breath. But I had to go, I couldn't… Cooper is at home."

He sits down. "I missed him, but now that he's here, I can't wait for him to leave. He- The glee club adores him. Kurt adores him. Hell, even Sue freaking Sylvester adores him, and she adores no one else but herself.

Cooper… with his beautiful hair… and his voice… and his body… Of course everyone loves him. He's famous, he lives in LA, he has an audition for god knows what.

I haven't felt this lonely in a while. I know it's bad that I'm so jealous of Cooper, and I know that Kurt still loves me more, but it is really shitty to see him gush about your older, handsome brother. I feel like I'm the only one that sees that Cooper is an ass. I'm the only one who doesn't romanticise him, and it must turn everyone crazy.

He's not even that famous!"

He sighs. "And, like, why is everyone so obsessed about him? We have bigger fish to fry. We won Regionals – sorry, Warblers!- so we need to prepare for Nationals. The New Directions get so easily distracted. The Warblers always had a plan! And… what do we do with Quinn, now that she is in a wheelchair?

Yes, cool, my brother is here and he charms everyone with that smile, but one of our own just had a horrible accident? Except for Artie, everyone is too busy admiring Cooper or planning Six Flags to acknowledge Quinn. Maybe I should've asked Artie if I could go with them, since I'm here instead of at Six Flags.

Sorry for the rant. I'm not feeling well."


	35. Chapter 35

**2012, still**

"I know I've been here on a daily basis. I know Lillie disapproves, but where else can I go? I'm sort of giving Kurt space. He is going to New York in a couple of weeks and he will leave me. Maybe if I don't love him anymore, it won't hurt."


	36. Chapter 36

**2012, still**

"WHO THE HELL IS CHANDLER?"


	37. Chapter 37

**2012, still**

"So, this week has been emotionally heavy. That's the only way I can describe it. After the entire Chandler thing, Kurt and I had a serious talk with Ms. Pillsbury. I told him that I was being distant because I couldn't handle the fact that he's leaving, and that I'm going to be alone.

Because of that, I guess I didn't realise that I was putting Kurt in the position I was dreading. Because of my actions, Kurt started feeling alone and left behind. That's why he started texting Chandler. He craved love.

As someone who does that all the time, I'm in no position to judge Kurt anymore. I got so angry when I found out about Chandler, that I didn't realise it was all my fault. If I were in his shoes, I probably would've done the same thing.

Gosh, maybe even with Sebastian. I haven't texted him in ages.

Anyway, after school, we went to my place, since my parents aren't home anyway, and we talked.

\- What about Wes? He left too and you two are still talking.

\- That's different.

\- How?

\- I don't love him like I love you.

Wes said something similar to that. He told me to get over myself. He's always there to give me the slap in the face I need.

But frankly, I'm pretty lonely. Ever since the slushie incident, there's tension between me and the Warblers. I know they ended up joining the New Directions and turned their backs to Sebastian, but really? They did this too. I even know Sebastian turned over a new leaf, but I don't need to see him.

And the New Directions… I made great friends and Finn is nice to me now, but I still don't feel at ease. Everyone's saying goodbye to the seniors. Sure, the guys have included me in their group, especially now that Puck is struggling, but I don't know…"


	38. Chapter 38

**2012, still**

"Kurt asks me where I go when I want to be left alone. I didn't tell him."


	39. Chapter 39

**2012, still**

"I was going to talk about insecurity, but there's a cat sitting on your tombstone." He stares at the cat, but then he turns to the tombstone.

"Guess I'm still more insecure about my appearance than I thought." He ruffles his hair. "Kurt asked me not to wear gel. I don't like it. I know you never saw me with gel, since I started gelling my hair at Dalton.

But because of that you know how horrendous I look. Jesus, look at this." He pokes his hair. "Kurt likes it. He even called me Borat at prom, but why? Why do people like me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell you about this cat. I was writing the story when a cat appeared in our garden. The next day, she was there again. And the day after that, again! So I decided to put her in the story.


	40. Chapter 40

**2012, still**

"And school is over. Forever, for Kurt.

I threw away my old plan. I'm going to spend a lot of time with him, since this might be our last chance. We're gonna try long distance, but it won't be the same.

Kurt's kinda in a bad place, since he got rejected from NYADA. I don't understand why Rachel got in, but Kurt didn't. Sure, Rachel is super talented, but so is Kurt. So this entire summer will be dedicated to Kurt. We need to make him happy again. I know what it's like to feel unhappy, I have meds to prove it, so I won't let that happen to the person I love. I'm a man on a mission, I guess.

Oh, remember the cat? Lillie adopted her. She called her Daisy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I named the cat in my garden Daisy too.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, we're halfway there!

**2012, still**

"I know I haven't been here all summer, but I was busy spending time with Kurt. And today, he left for New York. It hurts, it really does, but he doesn't belong here anymore. This summer has been great, but all good things come to an end, and for Kurt that was the time to move on to better things.

I've been dreading this moment for so long.

At this point I feel like getting a plane to, I don't know, London or something so that I can just leave. I need time to clear my head. But instead of London, I'm here.

I considered taking Kurt with me here, but I decided not to. This is my space. Except for Lillie, Wes and David, no one needs to know.

The glee club has been nice to me. Probably since they know how heartbreak feels. Brittany is doing long distance too, and Tina got her heart broken this summer. I like Mike, he's a great friend, but why? She wasn't Asian enough?

Things are getting weird. Tina is being a diva, Artie suddenly has an opinion on everything, Brittany is Brittany, they're being rude now that we're popular. I must admit, I am too. But what choice do I have? Bully or be bullied, I guess, and I don't ever want to go through that again.

Artie elected me as the New Rachel. I'm happy because I feel loved, but the others all look at me in a different way. I never wanted to stand out. The last time I did that, it didn't end well for you. But honestly, I'm confused. I don't feel like myself. On one hand, I embrace this title, on the other hand, I resent it.

Gosh, what is happening to me? Kurt shouldn't have left."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh, living on a prayer!


	42. Chapter 42

**2012, still**

"Kurt is living this beautiful life in New York. He's interning at Vogue, and I am running for class president with a former stripper. What does he still see in me? Why does he need me when he has people like Isabelle Wright? I bet the boys- no, the men in New York are more appealing anyway.

I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. Luckily, David asked me over for dinner."


	43. Chapter 43

**2012, still**

"I fucked up, Logan. I fucked up."


	44. Chapter 44

**2012, still**

Blaine sighs. "Still no luck. But of course, he's not speaking to me. The worst thing is that Sam asked me over to hang out, and he's still living at the Hummel-Hudson house. How can I face Burt Hummel after I did this to his son? He's going to kill me. But I deserve it.

How could I do this? Why did I do this?

Wes, who has been meeting Kurt every now and then, updates me. But Kurt hasn't spoken to him either. I guess he knows Wes will tell me everything. Wes isn't mad at me, but I know he's disappointed in me. He's not the only one.

I know why I did this, but I just- I can't even say it out loud. If I do, it'll become real. This problem will become real and I don't want that. I don't want people to look at me in a different way because of that.

And everyone is too busy cheering Finn up to notice that I'm drowning. Rachel was right to break up with him, though. I'm sad for them, but she just had a point. And who knows… They might end up together after all. No such luck for me and Kurt.

Brittany is sad too. Since she's great friends with Sam, I see her often. Sam and I are getting friendlier too. But like I was saying, Brittany and Santana broke up too. Long distance wasn't working. It wasn't working for us either, but instead of ending it, I ruined everything. Why wasn't I smart like Santana?

But like I said, everyone's focusing on Finn, even Brittany. They ignore me. It's been so long since someone ignored me, it makes me feel horrible. It's such a shame. I was finally feeling at home with the New Directions, because I spent a lot of time with them during summer. I was finally part of the family Kurt used to talk about, and now the shut me out."


	45. Chapter 45

**2012, still**

"Do you like the costume?" Blaine twirls around.

"Lillie thought it was endearing. I actually saw her the other day in the mall. The two of us have been getting closer, since it feels like I don't have any friends anymore. David graduated, Sam is busy working for something for his family, Kurt…" He trails off.

"I don't mind. Lillie is a lovely woman. She might be old, but she doesn't act like it. She's actually going to hike this weekend. _Lillie,_ hiking. She must be in her seventies. I never asked, since they say it's impolite to ask for a woman's age. Yes, I might've been reading 'How To Properly Woo A Lady', the book my grans gave me years ago. That's how lonely I am.

The superhero club also keeps my mind off other things. And I had forgotten how much I love crafting and designing. I made this costume myself. I haven't really been enjoying anything lately, so it feels good to do something fun. I mean, I've been kind of in a funk lately, especially after Grease. Kurt made pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Maybe I should take Hunter's proposal after all."


	46. Chapter 46

**2012, still**

"Kurt and I are on speaking terms again. Sam and I have been closer than ever. We didn't win Sectionals, but the glee club still is together. It actually going well. I'm surprised. I am glad I didn't give in to Hunter. I miss Dalton, but I think I made the right decision.

I should ask for Wes and David's opinions about this."


	47. Chapter 47

**2013**

"I might've freaked out Sam and Tina," Blaine says sadly. He's holding the daisies. "We are going to the movies, and I forgot that it was your birthday. I am so, so sorry. I don't know what overcame me. I guess now that's everything is getting better, I actually forgot the tragedies that happened. Your death definitely is a tragedy.

Remember what the Dalton therapist said? I needed to let go. I still can't, but... I hate to admit it, but he has a point. Every time I'm doing well, I visit you to share it and I remember that I can't actually share it with you. I should talk about this with my new therapist.

Anyway, we were on our way to a snackbar when I remembered. I guess I scared them with my sudden outburst. Since I was driving, I turned around. I bought these beauties." He nods to the daisies. "And told them I needed to see a friend real quick for his birthday. Tina and Sam said it was okay after I told them it would be a short visit.

They're waiting in my car right now. I guess they didn't expect me to drive to a cemetery."


	48. Chapter 48

**2013, still**

"Tina and Sam have been treating me with kids gloves, or at least, it feels that way. Normally, I'd scoff at them, but I guess I need it right now." He wipes away the tears. "I kind of had the biggest panic attack in a while yesterday. I was under stress. Sam has all these accusations about the Warblers, Kurt is dating someone, I've been leading the student body council with Sam, Tina and Sugar and I'm under a lot of pressure to do everything right.

Then, I start feeling weird about Sam.

But that's not the worst part of it, Lolo. It gets way, way worse. Tina organised the first annual Sadie Hawkins dance of McKinley." And he burst into tears. "Why? Why? Why? Why? How could she do this to me? I told the glee club about you this summer. And ever since your birthday, she knows you're lying here in your grave. Why? I know she's right about the sexist undertone of a man asking a woman to prom, but why?

Okay, no- I'm getting ahead of myself, because a lot of things happened after that, but still… why did she do this in the first place? I know she apologised after she remembered, but fuck. Why?

She asked me. I said no.

And like I said, after that she apologised and she started talking about how sorry she is about what happened to me at Westerville Central. She said she understood why I didn't want to go. I didn't want to sound weak, so I lied to her. I lied and said that the reason I didn't want to go was that I have a crush on Sam, which is true, but that is not the point. That crush is totally random anyway.

I wished I hadn't lied to her, because her solution was, drum roll, please, going to the Sadie Hawkins dance after all. As friends.

At this point, I just want to crawl back into my bed and cry, but Sam keeps bugging me to talk to Trent about his accusations. I told him I will, but really… I am tired, Lolo. I am so tired. And it feels like there's no going back. Tina Cohen-Chang doesn't take no for an answer. _Fuck._

I will call Trent later this week, but right now I need to mentally prepare myself for hell. Although, maybe this time it will be better, since I'm going with a girl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasted opportunity, glee...


	49. Chapter 49

**2013, still**

"I have never seen Wes this angry. After the news about the drugs went public, Wes decided to pack his gavels and take the first flight to Columbus." Blaine smiles weakly. He has missed his friend and his weird obsession with gavels.

"He asked me to join him in Westerville. I gladly accepted his offer, because I needed to go away. Sadie Hawkins was heavy. I did enjoy myself, but I'm not feeling well. Some things happened I cannot explain. I almost kissed Tina. I treated Tina as a girlfriends instead of a friend. And I don't understand why.

I need to talk about this with Wes, but first, let me tell you what happened at Dalton.

Hunter got arrested, and rightfully so. Wes and I drove from Columbus to Westerville right after that happened. I've never seen him this angry. And to my delight, I've never seen Sebastian so afraid. But then again, it was hard not to be afraid of Wes. He was livid.

I grabbed Trent to make sure he got that this hate wasn't directed to him. And, uhm, Trent might've filmed everything for David. He was too busy to go home.

Well, Wes started yelling at Thad, since he's the only one from the original council left. Then, he started yelling at Sebastian for ruining the Warblers a year ago. Then he decided to yell at everyone. Nick and Jeff were so ashamed, but on the better hand, the two of them are finally together. At least someone is having luck with love.

Was he done?

Nope.

He threw a gavel and then proceeded to run to the principal's office. Trent and I followed him. Wes had some guts, because he also yelled at the principal and the school board for allowing someone like Hunter on campus and for giving him a scholarship without a background check. I wish I had the guts to get anything done. Well, we're not all Wes Montgomery."


	50. Chapter 50

**2013, still**

"The glee club is busy with Diva week. I've been spending a lot of time with Tina again. I did talk about that with Wes, and he seemed hesitant to tell me his opinions.

\- Just tell me.

\- You're going to hate me for this, Blaine.

\- I've gotten too used to pain, Wesley. I can handle this.

\- Maybe you thought you needed to appear straight, since it was a Sadie Hawkins after all. Maybe you wanted to kiss Tina, not because you wanted, but because you thought you had to.

I have no idea what to think, Logan. I was very afraid that day, so it is a miracle my PTSD didn't kick in, but I'm proud of my sexuality. I struggled too much to let that pride go away.

But what if he's right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know if this is an explanation... I'm just so confused by this almost-kiss.


	51. Chapter 51

**2013, still**

Blaine has a huge grin on his face. Lillie thought it was suspicious.

" _Oh Lolo_."

He sits next to the tombstone. "You have no idea what I just did. I hooked up with Kurt. Yes, hooking up as in..." He makes some obscene hand gestures. It's a good thing he's alone. "And it was so good. Remember I told you years ago that gay sex is amazing, Lolo? It still is.

I love him, Lolo. I still love him. Maybe it is bad to jump on conclusions, but he still loves me. He won't admit it, especially now that he has someone in New York, but he loves me. I mean, why else would he do this? Kurt isn't the one to jump into a bed with someone the minute he feels alone. I am. Or at least, I did that once.

Lolo, I feel good. Kurt makes me feel good. I'm good."


	52. Chapter 52

**2013, still**

"You like? You like?" he dances around, "Look at this cheerleading uniform. Sue did kind of force me to rejoin the Cheerios, but I feel pretty good wearing this. It feels like I belong somewhere."


	53. Chapter 53

**2013, still**

"Guess what's back, back again?" He sighs deeply. "My crush on Sam. Wes told me it is not genuine. He says that the only reason it evolved was because he was being nice to me, and that I'm pretty much using him as a crutch to keep himself above depression sea. Thanks for believing in me, Wes.

Or maybe he has a point, and I'm just ignoring it. Is that bad? Let me be happy again for once, jeez. My therapist seems to agree with him. Really, people, let me live."


	54. Chapter 54

**2013, still**

"Don't you love it how school shootings can trigger PTSD?"


	55. Chapter 55

**2013, still**

"I, uhm, might've bought a ring. An engagement ring. Sam, Wes and David don't approve, but I did it. I talked about it with Jan, the woman selling the rings. She's gay too and she offered to talk. She's around Lillie's age. She says I should go for it, no matter what people say.

I guess she's right. I know Wes, David and Sam are smart too, but they aren't like me. Jan probably knows better. That's why she asked me to bring Kurt along when I meet her and Liz at Breadstix."


	56. Chapter 56

**2013, still**

"WHAT A WEEK!"

Someone shushes him. Blaine doesn't mind. No one can rain on his parade. "Kurt and I are back together, but that's not it. I proposed.

The Warblers helped. They're very happy that I helped Wes restoring their reputation. Haverbrook and Vocal Adrenaline were a challenge. There was a huge communication barrier between Haverbrook students and others, and Vocal Adrenaline is still Vocal Adrenaline. But I managed to make it work.

I asked him, he said yes.

I would love to say more, but Kurt and I are going out for dinner and my hair is a mess. I need to go home before I can make myself presentable.

The gays are getting married, and no homophobe can stop us."


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn.

**2013, still**

Blaine's wearing sunglasses. Because of that, no one can see that his eyes are still red from crying. He falls on his knees. He doesn't care that his suit gets ruined.

"Sometimes, Logan, life is so confusing. One moment, everything falls into place, but the next, your life gets smashed into pieces." He takes a moment to compose himself.

"I just got back from Finn's funeral."

Hence the suit, the sunglasses, and the hat. "Why do so many people have to die, Logan? Why do the people that don't deserve it have to die? Why did you die? Why did Finn die? Why did Lillie get sick? I know that she can survive, but she is old, Lolo. Why does everyone leave?

I just… I don't know what to say. What can I say? This was so sudden. No one saw this coming. I was Skyping with Kurt when his phone rang. My entire room is still a mess. My mother barged into my room after she heard me screaming and throwing shit.

It feels like I'm reliving your death over again. Finn didn't kill himself, but he's dead and he didn't deserve it. I miss him already.

I don't want to talk. Is it okay if I just stay here for now? I kind of need you."


	58. Chapter 58

**2013, still**

"I met Lillie's entire extended family. When she asked me over for dinner, I didn't expect her entire family to be there. I hope she's not saying goodbye to me. She will live, she has to.

Daisy was happy to see me, and I was happy to see her. Lillie's son loves Daisy too, so if worst case scenario happens, Daisy will have a new warm and loving home.

We talked about my recent trip to New York. Sam and I are still beaming. New York is amazing, Logan. I can't wait.

Also, I auditioned for NYADA after all. I know I told you that I wasn't going to do it, but Kurt convinced me. He knows me. He knew that I was scared. He told me not to shy away from my greatness.

Kurt, Rachel and Santana are doing fine. Rachel is in the middle of rehearsals, which is fine. It takes her mind of Finn. We all miss him. I also visited Wes. He congratulated me on the engagement. I feel like he still isn't really okay with it, but he has admitted defeat.

Well, Kurt and I are happy, and that is all we need for now."


	59. Chapter 59

**2013, still**

"I dreamed that all my friend were puppets, and they loved me. I loved it."


	60. Chapter 60

**2013, still**

"It is finally hitting me that I'm leaving. Sam and I were trying on our graduation gowns the other day and Tina burst into tears. We were a bit mean towards Artie, but we talked it out. The four of us are the only ones left. Brittany already left for college, Joe went to a Christian boarding school, and Sugar moved to Italy.

I'm going to miss them. I'm also going to miss Jake, Ryder, Marley, Unique, and surprisingly enough, Kitty.

And I'm going to miss you too.

I will talk to the others again. We have the internet, that's how I still talk with the other glee club members that already graduated. I got a SnapChat from Mercedes just an hour ago. But you… Logan, I won't be able to see you anymore, unless I come home for summer breaks and holidays. You are dead, so you have no social media.

I'm going to miss you a lot."


	61. Chapter 61

**2013, still**

"We lost, Lolo, we lost." Blaine hangs his head. "I tried to stay strong, but we lost. And I'm lost for words."


	62. Chapter 62

**2013, still**

Blaine is holding a bouquet of daisies, again. But it isn't Christmas, or Logan's birthday.

"This is it, Lolo. My plane to New York leaves in a couple of hours. My things are all packed. Kurt and Rachel have a place for me to live. I got into NYADA. I'm going to New York."

Blaine knows he's going to cry. He's going to miss Logan. "I got you these. I don't know why. I just wanted to give you something. Lillie promised she would take care of you for me. She will tell you what's going on in my life, but I guess only once a month and you will never get the full story. I told her not to bother, since she's still recovering from her illness, but she insisted. She knows how much this means to me.

Logan. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening when you were still alive and thank you for still listening despite the fact that you died. Thank you for being there for me in this crazy way.

I'm excited, Lolo. I'm excited to start this new life. I haven't felt bad in such a long time. Everything is going uphill.

Maybe my Dalton therapist was right. Maybe I need to let go of you, but only now. I don't want to say that I don't need you anymore, but honestly, I have people to talk to. I have Kurt and Wes. And David and Sam. And so many more. None of them will understand like you do, but it is still good to have people to talk to.

I will be back, Lolo, for summer breaks and holidays, but there will come a time that I don't come back. There will come a time that I live in New York. _New York._ Kurt and I can get married there.

Thank you, Lolo. I miss you already." He puts down the flowers. "Take care, Logan Bandwill. I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then season 6 happens.


	63. Chapter 63

**2014**

"…"


	64. Chapter 64

**2014, still**

"I can barely lift my head, Lolo. Everything hurts. He hurt me. Why did this happen? New York was supposed to be a dream come true, Lolo. But my dreams got crushed. I can't.


	65. Chapter 65

**2015**

"Happy birthday, Logan." He's holding the daisies. "Does this seem familiar to you? We're back to me being depressed and you being dead, and you're the only one I can talk to.

I mean, Sam and Wes and David. And Tina. But I don't feel like contacting them. I've been back in Lima for a couple of months now, and I only visited you twice. I didn't really tell you what's wrong. I was too sad to properly talk.

I flunked out of NYADA after Kurt broke up with me.

Let that sink in.

I don't know how much Lillie told you about my life in New York, since I didn't really talk to her, but it was pretty good actually. I didn't feel at ease, or not as much as I hoped. Kurt and I…" he trails off. Everything with Kurt is still fresh, but his therapist told him to talk about this with Logan.

Blaine might've left out the part where Logan is dead, but whatever.

"Kurt and I did have this fall out, which led to me living with Mercedes and Sam, but that was very good for me. NYADA was going well.

Then Kurt got beaten. Because he's gay. I had a sort of relapse after that, because my PTSD and depression decided to kick in after months of lying low, and dad decided to leave mom, so I kept eating my feelings away, but Kurt… he helped me. He always used to help me. Then why did he do this to me?

No, Blaine, focus. I need to tell you what happened in chronological order. We'll get to _that_ later." He takes a deep breath. "I have to talk to someone, I can't keep bottling this up. My therapist thinks that's my problem. Her name is Mrs. Julio, by the way.

So I got back up. Then I got an amazing career opportunity. So did the others. Rachel quit her show and went to LA, although I hear her show is bad. Sam is back in Lima after he achieved his dream of being half naked on a bus in New York. I still haven't talked to him. I know he keeps calling me. Mercedes, Santana and Brittany are on tour, and Artie has started his first short movie. He wanted me to star in it, but I was busy with working for June.

I moved back in with Kurt, and since Rachel was leaving, we had the loft to ourselves. Perfect, right? Well, everything went downhill from that point. Kurt… became more stoic. I felt inadequate and childish compared to him, since I couldn't stop touching him. Yet, he kept pushing me away, which led to me getting more agitated, which led to him snapping at me…

Our fights got worse and worse.

And Kurt broke up with me. He said we were too young and that this wasn't working." And Blaine starts to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was all of season 5 part 2. It was kind of unfortunate that I didn't have the chance to write season 5 part 2, because some things are very interesting: New New York and that argument (one of Klaine's best), obviously his reaction to the hate crime in Bash, his self-esteem issues in Tested, The Back-Up plan and why he lies to Kurt... but he's not in Lima.


	66. Chapter 66

**2015, still**

"Sorry for leaving so abruptly. I talked with Mrs. Julio about it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not sad anymore, but I'm angry.

But also at myself.

I was so stupid, Lolo. I really did love Kurt, and because of that I ignored all the flaws in my behaviour and in our relationship. Remember when we first broke up? I was devastated, and I had the right to be. I wanted to fix things between the two of us, since I screwed up.

But I had this perfect picture in my head. I shouldn't have done that.

I couldn't function without Kurt, Lolo, which wasn't very healthy. I was so sick with love that I chose to ignore that. I kept telling everyone that Kurt and I were meant to be, and I believed that was true. I listened to the wrong people. Jan was wrong. I only thought she was right because I thought she was older and more experienced. And she's gay.

I shouldn't just listen to everyone without a second thought. I tend to believe things too quickly, Logan. Or I want to believe things too quickly.

People always said that we were KurtandBlaine, and now that we're broken up, we're Kurt and Blaine instead. They said that after the first break-up, and I'm pretty sure they're doing it again. But they're wrong. We've always been Kurt and Blaine, not KurtandBlaine. They never got it. Neither did I, because I was in love. I always thought Kurt was supposed to make me feel whole, but that's wrong.

You know how much I crave affection. You know how much I want to be loved. And being loved is good, unless it is bad for you.

In a way, I'm happy he broke up with me. Now I understand that our relationship wasn't good for me. And for him. I couldn't fix it, but I was too caught up in trying to fix it to realise that. I need to move on, Logan.

I am Blaine Devon Anderson. I can be Blaine Anderson without a certain Kurt Hummel in my life."


	67. Chapter 67

**2015, still**

"I've started playing music again, Logan. I missed music.

Things have been going better. Ever since I came to the realisation that I don't need Kurt to be a valid human being, everything is going uphill. Sure, I'm also living on antidepressants, but I'm feeling good. For the first time in forever, I feel like I can enjoy things again.

I force myself to get out of bed. I help my mom. I play piano again. And I'm good.

I actually went to Dalton the other day. The principal was happy to see me and she even offered me a job. The Warblers need a coach.

Yes, the council is back, but after everything that has happened, they want someone in there that they can trust. I guess that's me. I told her I needed to think about it, but who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to take the job.

Guess it makes sense, uh? The first time I hit rock bottom, Dalton helped me get back up. Now I hit rock bottom again, and I'm going back to Dalton. I feel good, Logan. I am surrounded by music, and oh- how I've missed music.

Maybe if I feel adventurous enough, I might even go to Country Bear Night at Scandals."


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins.

**2015, still**

"Petting her, petting her, petting her- stop petting her!" Daisy immediately looks up. She's not amused. "Okay, petting her, petting her… hi Logan, I'm catsitting." Daisy purrs. She's resting in his arms. "Mom isn't so happy with all the cat hairs in the house, but Lillie will come to pick her up tomorrow.

Oh, you would not believe what happened to me, Lolo. I went to Country Bear Night, and guess who was there? No, not Kurt. Kurt is probably too busy living a better, more stoic life in New York." He laughs bitterly. "No, I saw David Karofsky doing the electric slide. Remember him? He's the ex-bully that tried to kill himself. Karofsky- or, I should call him Dave… Dave and I started talking, and he was surprised to see me a) in Lima and b) without Kurt.

After I told him what happened, he was very surprised.

\- That is not the Kurt I know.

\- Well, did you ever know him?

That shut him up. We exchanged numbers, and we've been talking. Dave lives close to Westerville now, can you imagine it? Well, Dave reminded me of happier times. I'm still very angry at Kurt for what he did, but I can't deny that he is a wonderful human being. He really did help Dave.

Then why didn't he help me?

No Blaine…" he shakes his head, "Positive. Stay positive. Anyway, it was nice to have someone to talk to. Besides you. I'm talking to Sam and the others again, but Dave is different. The others knew what happened between me and Kurt, and they're all convinced they can help me. Dave is more objective. That's kind of what I needed."


	69. Chapter 69

**2015, still**

"Dave kissed me."

Blaine has a weird smile on his face.

"We were hanging out again and he just kissed me. I was frozen in shock. He pulled away and apologised. But… I liked it, Lolo. I kissed him back.

I don't know, Lo, I really don't know what to think. I haven't been with anyone in so long. I'm just getting back on track, and I don't know if I want to be in a relationship again. The last one crushed me, so I'm afraid. Mrs. Julio says it's okay to move on. I have been moving on, truly. I'm not a teenager anymore. The old me would've done everything to get back with Kurt, healthy relationship or not, but now I know better.

I'm not really mad at Kurt anymore. Dave and I have been talking about him a lot, and I've come to the conclusion that I should get over it. If I ever see him again, I will be friendly towards him. I'm an adult, after all. We can be adults about this.

But yeah, Dave and I…" he shrugs. "I guess this might happen. I'm happy. We'll see what happens, right?"


	70. Chapter 70

**2015, still**

"See, I'm smiling!"

Blaine makes some weird faces and laughs. A man shakes his head disapprovingly, but Blaine's too busy making funny faces. Lillie thought it was endearing.

"I'm doing well. Dave and I are officially dating, which took some people by surprise. My job is amazing. I missed the Warblers. But I gotta run now. Sam and I are going to the Lima Bean, and I need to discuss David's plans about going to New York. Wes is very excited to see his friend again."


	71. Chapter 71

**2015, still**

"Kurt is in Lima. I saw him the other day, and like I said, I acted friendly. I told him about me and Dave. He didn't like it at all, but it's not my business anymore. I must say that seeing him walk away like that, looking so broken, made me feel very sad. But what was I supposed to do? Run after him? We're not together anymore. It would only make things worse.

According to Rachel, who is back in town too, the two of them are going to revive the New Directions, since Sue banned it. We've already sat down with Mr. Schue to discuss the competition. The Warblers are doing fine, although a girl wanted to join the Warblers.

I was very against is, because a girl Warbler just felt weird, but the others convinced me to do it. The council said no, but I've already promised her that I'm going to speak about this. They cannot deny her, just because she's a girl. It's wrong. I've been wrong before, and I don't want to do that again."


	72. Chapter 72

**2015, still**

"So, Dave and I live together now. Brittany helped me with the furniture. It looks like a rainbow threw up, and we still have to buy a bed. But that is Brittany.

Something weird happened, though. I met Kurt in a sheet music store and it was fun. We are friends, right? Well, I had this weird dream. I dreamed the two of us were singing sad Carole King break-up songs. I know it's weird…

I miss singing with him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Kurt can dream it, then so can Blaine.


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only 10 chapters left, which means two more days of this fic left. Yes, I'm probably going to publish 5 today and the last 5 (hopefully) tomorrow. I cannot believe this is almost over.
> 
> I also cannot believe that I once wanted to post one chapter only each day.

**2015, still**

"I asked Dave to go away, but the apartment wasn't enough, so now I'm here. Logan, my head hurts. I don't know what to think." He takes a deep breath. At times like this, he wished he had Daisy to snuggle with.

"Now that I'm leading the Warblers, we have competitions. Sue Sylvester organised one for the Warblers, Vocal Adrenaline and the new New Directions. I looked forward to it, you know? I've been back at McKinley a couple of times to give Sam and Rachel a piano lesson, so it wasn't hard to be there. It doesn't remind me of Kurt anymore. I mean, I go to Dalton on a daily basis and we met there! _I proposed there!_

In fact, I talked with Kurt before the competition. He's finally moving on too. He's met this nice guy online. I haven't asked about it. I thought we were better of as friends.

But then, Sue decided to lock us up in an overheated elevator. Yes, you've heard that right. She locked us up in a fake elevator and pumped air drugs through the vents, while harassing us with a miniature puppet version of herself. I'm used to the crazy, but woah.

She would let us out on one condition. We had to kiss. No, we had to make out. So after a day or so, we did. We wanted to get out. So we kissed. Did I just cheat on Dave?

What is with me and cheating?

But we were forced, so does it count as cheating?

Anyway, we got out, the Warblers lost… blah blah blah. We went back to Sue to call her out and we told her we are over our resentments, and that we're friends again. She keeps calling us 'Klaine'. What even is a 'Klaine'?

But in that elevator… Kurt and I had fun, in a weird and twisted way. There was some tension when I mentioned Dave, but it was great to be with him. There was a connection. It wasn't us trying to fix whatever relationship. It was us being open and friendly. And that kiss…" Blaine trails off.

"I don't know what's happening to me, Lolo. I'm happy with Dave, I really am. But Kurt… I know I told him we are nothing but friends, but is that true?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random, totally random, but I never told you this: Logan is named after Logan Wright from Dalton by CP Coulter.


	74. Chapter 74

**2015, still**

"Brittany and Santana are planning their wedding. A lot of the old glee club members are back in town to help, especially Artie. His movie was a hit, but it took a great toll on him. So he came back home to rest. Quite frankly, I don't know what the others are doing here. They're not lost like I am.

Also, we're trying to get Rachel out of her funk.

It is weird, you know? I'm being included, which is something I did not expect. The other day, we were singing for Santana's abuela, and everyone was making plans and all that… and I tried to leave.

Mercedes noticed and she grabbed me by my sleeve.

\- Where do you think you're going? We're planning!

\- I know?

\- You have a voice too!

\- Wait, you mean I'm allowed to come?

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Mercedes was perplexed.

\- Yes, you're on of us, remember?

I didn't. I talked about it with Sam and Tina. They had a similar reaction. I admitted to them that I was feeling left out. I was at Dalton, and they were at McKinley. And no one had contacted me in such a long time. Except for Sam and Tina, but I ignored them for a long time. That was my mistake.

I should talk about this with Mrs. Julio.

I also need to talk about Dave with her. Things have been tense. Ever since the kiss, I'm not feeling well. The kiss has started to mess with my head. Dave notices that I'm distant, but I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't know about the elevator. He thinks I passed out on Sam's couch after we went out for some drinks. I wonder how long it takes him to realise that it's a lie, since I can't get drunk.

Honestly, Logan, I don't want to see Kurt. It hurts. Is it supposed to hurt? I thought I was past that.

I'm not thinking clearly. I'm running late, I forget Warbler assignments… yesterday I almost burned down the kitchen. Dave and I fought."

He checks the time, and jumps up. "Oh no, I'm late. I told you so! Mr. Schue is having a 'get together' at his place, and I'm late. And… oh no, Kurt will be there too."


	75. Chapter 75

**2015, still**

"Remember what I said about me and cheating?" He nods. "I did it again. Gosh, _what is wrong with me_? And this time, no one forced me to kiss Kurt. I did it myself.

Rachel's dad is selling their old house, so we decided to throw a goodbye party. We made a wheel of musical fortune. Kurt cheated and made sure we'd sing together. I know he did.

Long story short, we ended up singing a duet. We spent a lot of time 'practising'- who am I kidding? We can sing a duet in our sleep. Or in our dreams. Remember the Carole King break-up song?

Well, the connection was there again. I liked being around him. I felt so good being with him. And Logan… I think I love him. No, not as a friend, but as a boyfriend!" He leans his head against the tombstone. "What am I doing, Logan?

So we spent time together, and I started to like the thought of us being together. At first, I thought it was in a friendly way, but during the party I couldn't stop looking at him and Lolo, he is so beautiful. I fell in love with him the first time when he was singing. Guess it happened again. So we went outside and talked, and I just… I kissed him.

I fled afterwards. I didn't look back. I was supposed to go home early, but instead I came here. What am I supposed to do, Logan? I have to go home. Dave is waiting for me. But right now, I kind of want to stay here. This is the only place where I can think. Lolo, what do I do?"


	76. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the name of 'real' Daisy might be Thompson. I prefer Daisy.

**2015, still**

"Well, this hasn't happened in a while? When was the last time I broke down in front of your tombstone?

I told Dave. We broke up.

But that's not the reason I'm a sobbing mess. In fact, Dave was very reasonable. He was sad, which is understandable, but he said that he knew. We parted with no bad blood. He even encouraged me to go after Kurt immediately.

Then why am I crying? Because I went after Kurt immediately. And he has a double-date with Walter. And Sam and Rachel. I guess I forgot to tell you they are a thing now.

I was too late, Logan. He's moved on."


	77. Chapter 77

**2015, still**

"After the last visit, I went to my mom. I couldn't go back to Dave's apartment, so I went to my childhood home. I told her what happened.

Dave and I talked. We're both leaving the apartment. I'm going back to mom. I've been coping well. I felt a storm coming up, but I guess I grabbed an umbrella. Do you get the metaphor? Mrs. Julio is proud of me for doing so.

So yesterday, I was packing my stuff when I hear someone banging on my door," and Blaine can't help but smile, "and it was Kurt. He… We… I guess we're back together. He came over to my place and he told me that he loved me and… we kissed. We kissed, Logan. _We kissed_. We can do that again.

I'm not going to tell you what happened after that kiss, since you don't want to know, but this morning we talked. Kurt said something that had been nagging me. 'I know that everything was completely messed up, but everything is fine now' is not true.

Yes, everything was completely messed up, but it fine yet. I told him I needed to talk to him about this. You cannot just say 'everything is fine now' because that is a lie. We were in an unhealthy relationship. You cannot just erase that with 'everything is fine now'. That relationship made me go back to being depressed, which led to me flunking out of one of the most prestigious performing arts school in the country, which made me move back to my home state and see a therapist.

That relationship made Kurt realise he needs to work on himself. He saw a therapist too. I didn't know that.

Anyway, I told him and he completely agreed. Apparently, yesterday he said that without thinking, because of the adrenaline rush. I'm very happy to hear that the two of us have grown a lot in the past couple of months. I know it's bad to say, but maybe I was right when I told you that I was happy he broke up with me.

I just mean we both had a hell of a lot of growing up to do. We weren't ready for what we were. We were just kids. I know he told me that when we broke up, but I guess I didn't want to believe it. Our relationship grew too fast for us to keep up. We both still had a lot to learn about love and about life.

Hell, we're still learning, but I think we're both ready to try this again. And this time, we're smarter. Logan, I think I'm doing something right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but that has been nagging me ever since the episode aired. It's kind of sad that the two moments in that episode where Kurt and Blaine needed to talk were skipped. With the wedding, they did it for suspense (awful plan, writers, really...) but there was absolutely no point in leaving this out. They just scraped everything together with a "everything is fine now" and hooray... Klaine.
> 
> Sigh.
> 
> Glee.
> 
> Thoughts?


	78. Chapter 78

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.

**2015, still**

Blaine's staring.

But he can't help it. The ring on his finger is too pretty.

"Yes, Lolo, I just got married. Kurt and I are very happy, thank you very much.

I know what you're thinking. I mean, if you were alive, but let me explain.

This was very sudden. Remember I told you that Brittany and Santana were getting married? Well, Sue and Brittany turned it into a double gay wedding. Luckily, my mom happened to be there. She went to visit a friend and I asked her to come along for fun. I swear, I didn't plan this.

Cooper called me afterwards, yelling.

\- Blainey, what the fuck, you got married? And I didn't even have the chance to give an embarrassing speech? You bastard!

\- I didn't plan on this either!

It was very sudden, but Kurt and I talked about it. Sure, time was ticking, but I'm sure we both made the right choice. We're still learning, but we're learning together. During our wedding vows, we both said 'I'm a work in progress!' and that is true.

People have been congratulating me all day. Kurt and I decided to do a second wedding reception when we're back in New York.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that I applied for NYU. Let's see if anything comes of it – _instead of my old shit_." He laughs at his reference.

"But yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go back to New York, NYU or not. One of Elliott's friends has the loft, but I don't want to go back there. It's never felt like home anyway. Kurt and I found a nice apartment, close to Rachel's future apartment.

Kurt's a bit disappointed he didn't get to plan his own wedding, so I've given him permission to do whatever he wants for our second wedding reception. I'm happy that we're married, and that's all I need.

We also made a guest list, since we didn't know anyone at our wedding except for the glee club members and our parents. We got the Warblers, the New Directions, Dave, since we're still friends, Lillie, who also yelled at me but I explained, Elliott, Isabelle, Dani, Kurt's family, my mom and Cooper, and you.

I kinda put you on the list. Finn's on it too, and so is Kurt's mom.

I don't know how to approach dad. We haven't really been talking a lot, but he's still my dad. After all, he accepted my sexuality. It was his family that didn't except it. Maybe one day I'll have a normal father-son relationship, but who knows. He gave me the pocket watch after all.

But yeah… I'm married. I'm a married man who married another man. Again, screw all the people that tried to stop me. I made it, and I am so happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They deserved so. much. better.


	79. Chapter 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where are the Windsors when you need them?

**2015, still**

"When Wes barges into your room like that, you know that shit's about to get down."

Blaine is shaken. It's been a heavy week.

"When the news about Dalton burning down reached Wes, he hopped on a plane to Columbus. Anyway, I was with Kurt at my mom's house, since I'm living there, when the door got slammed. A few second later, a bewildered Wes is standing in the doorway with a shocked David behind him.

Kurt and I just got back from our honeymoon. We went to my mom's house, and I saw the look on her face… and I just knew that it was bad. There was a fire, a big one, and all of Dalton is gone. Word got around, but I also contacted the Warblers. I mean, the alumni. My friends.

A couple of them are coming back to Ohio too. Wes, David, Kurt, John and I are about to pick up Trent and Thad. We're just… there are no words, Lolo. _Dalton_ is gone. _Dalton._

The place that brought me, in a way, back to life. The place where I learned to live with depression and trauma. The place where I met my friends. The place where I met Kurt. Jeez.

Mr. Schue and Rachel were happy to let the Warblers join the New Directions, but all the other students… the boarders and the day students… what's going to happen to them? I know that I don't know them. My friends all graduated, and my kids are going to McKinley, but all the others? They're probably going to different schools all over the country. So many friendships are about to break. I can't even imagine…" he trails off.

"I'm happy that my kids are safe. Yes, I just called them my kids. I'm happy that I get to see them again.

I did have to talk about this with Jane, though. She left Dalton because of the Warblers, and now they're forced to work together. I brought Skylar along, and they shook hands. Things are still rocky, but I have faith that this might work out.

The New Directions has four coaches now. But not for long. Kurt's semester away is about to end, Rachel is torn between school and Broadway, and I'm going too. I'm glad that Mr. Schue decided to leave Vocal Adrenaline. This might all work out."


	80. Chapter 80

**2015, still**

"Do you see this?" he holds out the envelope. "This will determine my future, Logan. I'm going to share this with you. Kurt doesn't know about this yet. I mean, he knows I applied to NYU, but I'm afraid to tell him I have this letter. What if I don't get in, Logan? The disappointment will crush him. We're both going to New York, with or without NYU, but still… We both want this to happen.

I saw Lillie. She left me alone after I told her about the letter. I promised I would call her later.

I'm scared, Logan.

Everything has been so busy. All the talk about Rachel made me nervous. Is it bad that I'm jealous of her? I'm trying to stay positive and supportive, but there is this stab of jealousy. Rachel messed up her audition, but still managed to get into NYADA because she basically stalked Carmen. Then Rachel dropped out of NYADA to do a show. She quit the show after a month or so to move to LA. And now she wants to back to that school, and they let her.

No one ever called me. No one ever asked me about my situation. Carmen knows about my situation. She cut me off herself. Whereas it's completely understandable that she cut me off, since my grades were miserable, she knew that it wasn't my choice.

And now they allow Rachel to continue her education without second thought. And Rachel is about to throw it away for another Broadway show. She has everything, Logan, and I'm jealous. I want to support her, because this is a difficult choice. But these options are very big. NYADA or a Broadway show? I don't have those options.

Why can't I have that? Why didn't NYADA let me in? Why? Am I not good enough, Lolo? Is that why I failed in the first place?

… I need to take a walk."

* * *

"Okay, I'm back. I just had tea at Lillie's and I told her about my fears. Since she wasn't too kind about Rachel, I won't tell you what happened, since I still think that Rachel has the right to be nervous. But she also told me to do it.

So I'm going to do it.

I can do it."

He sits down and he slowly opens the envelope. It is time. He reads aloud: "'Dear Mr. Anderson-' I guess I should change that, now that I'm married '-we're pleased that you chose New York University…" He keeps on reading.

And then…

"Oh my… Logan! LOGAN! I GOT IN! _I GOT IN_!" He jumps up and he can feel the tears streaming down his face. He's dancing on Logan's grave. It must look ridiculous, since he's at a cemetery after all, but Blaine doesn't care. He got in. He did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough*
> 
> I agree with Lillie about Rachel in season 6.


	81. Chapter 81

**2015, still**

"Wow, déjà vu." Blaine is grinning.

"This is it, Logan. This is the end of my story." He kneels down. "I'm ready, I really am. Everything's coming to an end. I'm leaving on a jet plane. I know I said it before, but this time it's going to work out. Two years ago, I was here too.

Remember what I said? I said thank you, I told you I was excited to start a new life, I told you that everything was going uphill. I was wrong, but that doesn't mean that I can't try again. This is my second chance, Logan.

But this time, I'm not coming back.

Again, thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here for me. From all people, I will miss you the most. I mean, I'll miss mom, and my kids, and Lillie and Daisy, but I will miss you so much, I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

… I don't know what to say, Logan. I don't want to make this sound like a heartfelt goodbye, but I guess this is a heartfelt goodbye. I know this all happened two years ago, but this time, things are different.

I can't say that everything is going uphill, Logan. I've learned a lot in the past year. I've learned enough to know that life will never be easy, and I know that I will have bad days in New York too. But you know what, I'm ready for them. I'm ready for what life has to offer me. I can do this. I will be surrounded by the people I love, especially since David decided to move to New York.

I can move on, knowing that my kids are safe, since Sam is the glee club director now. I can move on, knowing that mom and Lillie talk very often over tea. I can move on, knowing that NYU will be waiting for me. Elliott will be there. It is time for Glitter Rock Vampire part two. And I can finally do what I want to do with my life. NYADA didn't fit me. I have more options at NYU. I can move on, knowing that Mrs. Julio and I will still talk. I can move on, knowing that Kurt's waiting for me, ready to go with me.

I can move on, period.

And I'm happy.

Like I said, I will miss you a lot. You were the first boy I ever loved, and even though it was platonic, it counts. I still love you a lot, Lolo.

Again, take care, Logan Bandwill!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it.
> 
> There is one more chapter left, but it's basically nothing. I see this as the ending instead of the next chapter. And yeah, this was glee.


	82. Chapter 82

**2020**

"I still miss you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END
> 
> Or... "official end".
> 
> This is going to be weird, since the end notes will be longer than the actual last chapter. At first, I was going to write about Blaine talking to Logan about his future in New York with Kurt and their future child. I even considered expanding this story till 2050 or something. I don't know. I considered Blaine talking about his children and Kurt and his succesful career every time he goes back to Ohio, but in the end I was like: "Scratch that! It's unnecessary."
> 
> It was probably the easiest story to write, since I already had the story mapped out by RIB. I hope you liked my twist to it. I wanted to write it from an blangsty (over-)emotional Blaine POV. I don't think how Blaine acted in glee was fake of a façade, but I've always thought there was a sadder part/side of his story.
> 
> This story is also an attempt to explain weird things that happened in glee (aka almost everything), and most if it was criticism. I've wondered if the latter was noticable from a reader's point of view all the time, so tell me!
> 
> I do have some headcanons about what happened between 2015 and 2020. Maybe I'll write drabbles. Who knows? (No worries, Lillie isn't going to die! I almost killed her in season 5, but screw that, Lillie lives!) But You'd better live like gods is over.
> 
> And this was one hell of a ride.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
